


Snarky 8roads and Existential Uncertainty

by ashkatom



Series: 100 Follower Ficathon [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: palemance, pesterlog fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-14
Updated: 2012-09-14
Packaged: 2017-11-14 04:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashkatom/pseuds/ashkatom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein time shenanigans place Rose Lalonde a very long way from home, and then a pirate kidnaps her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snarky 8roads and Existential Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> More promptfic! "Rose <> Mindfang (let me just ask for a crackship with extra crack), where Mindfang is having difficulties with miniature horrorterror-esque pests attaching to the bottom of her ship and causing damage, Rose is extremely picky about what she reads and tries to edit An Unspeakably Secret Blue Text Journal, and they are both extremely messy?"

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has started pestering acquiredGoods [AG] --  
TT: I’m just putting this out here.  
TT: You have a tendency to take your prospective romantic interests captive and lock them away in what is, presumably, an attempt to form bonds through Stockholm syndrome.  
TT: Not that I can complain about my surroundings. The aged, rotting woodgrain is a nice touch.  
TT: I adore what you’ve done with the sconces. Rust is very in.  
TT: I’m merely curious as to which of your species’ romantic quadrants you wish for me to fill.  
AG: Oh my G8d, you’re worse than Fussyfangs.  
AG: I 8rought you here 8ecause you seem to know your eldritch from your el8ow, that’s all!  
AG: I’ll put in my request appropriately once I’m done with these intruders :::;].  
TT: Will there be cutlasses?  
TT: Do tell me there will be cutlasses.  
AG has blocked TT!  
TT: Drat.

\--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has started pestering acquiredGoods [AG] --  
TT: I’m aware you’re very busy with whatever is causing all that noise.  
TT: Pardon me, ‘8usy.’  
TT: But, to put it frankly, I have made friends with your eldritch abominations to the point where we are meeting for tea next Thursday, and I’ve found that they are incapable of carrying a conversation, even if they do have mother issues.  
TT: To wit, that they have no mother, and are collectively very upset about it.  
TT: I am bored, Mindfang. There are only so many scathing reviews a lady can write about the interior decoration of your ship.  
AG has unblocked TT!  
AG: W8, you’ve already dealt with the pro8lem?  
AG: ::::/ Don’t think I’m paying you the first num8er you spit out! We didn’t have a chance to negoti8.  
TT: It is your lucky day, Spinneret.  
TT: Given that, as previously mentioned, I am bored, and that one tends to come to the realisation that boonbucks are not, in fact, a viable currency outside the game when one has nothing better to do than to contemplate the state of their investments, I am willing to be paid in something less tangible.  
AG: Shall I leave you to your endless monologue 8nd come 8ack l8r?  
TT: Information.  
TT: Also, a room above sea level. I like the water. I prefer it from a distance, and not in my socks.  
AG: What kind of inform8ion?  
TT: Mere data-gathering, I assure you.

\--

\-- acquiredGoods [AG] has started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --  
AG: LAL8NDE!!!!!!!!  
TT: Yes?  
AG: YOUR ABOMIN8IONS ARE E8TING MY HULL.  
TT: How odd. Perhaps they’re trying to eat through to the crew.  
AG: ::::|  
AG: Fix it.  
AG: N8W!  
TT: Shall we discuss payment? Negotiate?  
AG: Our negoti8ion will be my foot up your ass if my ship sinks, Lalonde!!!!!!!!  
TT: Very diplomatic. I shall deal with the situation forthwith.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering acquiredGoods [AG] --

\--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has started pestering acquiredGoods [AG] --  
TT: The terrors of the ocean have been pacified.  
TT: Not to disparage my host, as I am currently trapped in the middle of an ocean with her.  
TT: But could you not simply swat them?  
TT: They’re a few inches long.  
AG: They’re eldritch, Lalonde!  
AG: You don’t deal with pir8ing and I don’t deal with grimdarkness :::;].  
AG: Everything works out 8etter with a little deleg8ion.  
TT: Speaking of the -tion suffix, I believe it’s time for a little negotiation.  
AG: I already gave you your room!  
AG: I had to declare you Acting First M8 and kill the last one ::::/. He was very helpful, you know.  
TT: Obviously not helpful enough.  
TT: No, it is now time for the second part of our deal. Information.  
AG: What kind of information?  
TT: The entertaining kind.  
AG: Oh my g8d. You want gossip.  
TT: I prefer to think of it as social entrepreneurship.  
AG: Wow.

\--

[Dialoguelog]

ROSE: Mmhmm.  
MINDFANG: And he was veeeeeeeery nate.  
MINDFANG: Naet*  
MINDFANG: Neeeeeeeeat*  
MINDFANG: It was disgust8ng.  
ROSE: Yes, I’m sure.  
MINDFANG: I see you judging me L’londe.  
MINDFANG: I have 8 eyes to see it with!!!!!!!!  
ROSE: I’m aware.  
MINDFANG: What kind’f a royal troll is fuuuuuuuucking neat????????  
MINDFANG: He’s got people t’8e neat for him!  
ROSE: Quite.  
ROSE: How long ago was it that the two of you parted, again?  
MINDFANG: Not ent8rely s8re...  
MINDFANG: S’it the first or the l8st 8r8k that counts?  
ROSE: Ah.  
MINDFANG: W8, I think I wrote it in my journal. S’over there, L’londe, gra8 it for me, would you?  
ROSE: Mindfang, the fact that you cannot stand up and get it yourself means that you are entirely too drunk to continue this conversation, and it is three hours past dawn.  
ROSE: Get in your recuperacoon.  
MINDFANG: Hahahaha, past dawn? Th’crew’s going to think I pailed a human!  
ROSE: From the way you are, they’re going to think a human pailed you. Don’t give yourself a black eye on the way over.

\--

[Dialoguelog]

MINDFANG: ...  
ROSE: ...  
MINDFANG: ...  
ROSE: ...  
MINDFANG: ...Lalonde?  
ROSE: Yes?  
MINDFANG: I just w8nt y8u t8 kn8w how M8CH I’ll regr8t culling the f8rst 8nterest8ng convers8ion I’ve had on this 8oat.  
ROSE: Duly noted.

\--

[Dialoguelog]

MINDFANG: Ow.  
MINDFANG: Owwwwwwww.  
MINDFANG: Owwwwwwww!!!!!!!!  
ROSE: I did hear you the first time.  
MINDFANG: Then why didn’t you answer?  
ROSE: Being ignored from time to time is good for you.  
MINDFANG: I am really, defin8ly going to kill you.  
ROSE: I tremble in fear. Do warn me once you’re able to stand.  
ROSE: Would you like an icepack?  
MINDFANG: Tell the crew I was fighting a culling drone >::::|.  
MINDFANG: And 8ring me some 8ooze.  
ROSE: Tea.  
MINDFANG: Tea with 8ooze in it.  
ROSE: Very well, but only because you didn’t ask for booze with tea in it.  
MINDFANG: God for8id I viol8 your delic8 sensi8ilities.

\--

\-- acquiredGoods [AG] has started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --  
AG: Lalonde.  
TT: Mindfang.  
AG: Why are you here?  
TT: I’m at least 80% inclined to believe it was because a mad pirate kidnapped me and locked me in her prison.  
TT: The other 20% is weird timeline shenanigans.  
AG: 8ut you could leave if you wanted to.  
TT: I could, indeed.  
AG: So part of you enjoys s8ssing me and pretending to 8e the first m8 and stealing my journal.  
TT: A very large part.  
AG: Ugh. Humans.  
\-- acquiredGoods [AG] has ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

\--

\-- acquiredGoods [AG] has started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --  
AG: Laloooooooonde.  
TT: Hark, she arises! I must alert the presses.  
AG: Shove your scarf in it, Lalonde, my head can’t take your use of sarcasm as a second language right this moment.  
TT: I shall attempt to stopper the fountain of veiled insults, but I make no promises on the contemptuous-irony-towards-all front.  
AG: G88d enough.  
AG: I w8s rereading our ch8tlogs earlier.  
TT: From the amount of eights you’re suddenly overwhelmed with, I assume that this is a subject I am not allowed to touch.  
AG: Shove the scarf in further, Lalonde, it might dislodge the stick up your ass >::::|  
AG: You immedi8ly assumed I wanted you for romantic purposes. Why?  
TT: Romance is the keystone of troll society, and you have a tendency to steal your partners.  
AG: Lies and sl8nder, I gave them 8ack. None of them were good enough :::;].  
AG: 8ut are you telling the truth, Lalonde? Aaaaaaaall of the truth?  
AG: Don’t you think you might 8e just a little 8it....  
AG: .... Lonely????????  
TT has signed off.

\--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has started pestering acquiredGoods [AG] --  
TT: It isn’t loneliness as trolls would understand the emotion.  
TT: For trolls, loneliness is underscored with terror.  
TT: The fear that you are with the wrong quadrantmate, and will be culled. The fear that you won’t find a quadrantmate, and will be culled.  
TT: Given that even friendship has been put on a romantic pedestal and romance is closely interlinked with survival on Alternia, it is understandable.  
TT: I realise that you understand less than half of what I say, and that the broodfester tongue may be clearer to you than the human mind, but here it is.  
TT: Human loneliness is based in sorrow.  
TT: This is a doomed timeline.  
TT: I have lost a brother and my best friends. I have no clue where they are and years - pardon me, sweeps - of searching could not find them.  
TT: The closest analogue I can imagine is losing your moirail and never knowing what happened to them.  
TT: Are they alive somewhere? If so, are they waiting for you? Are they looking for you? Do they think you have abandoned them?  
TT: Is it wise to hold on to the hope that they are alive when all evidence points to the contrary?  
TT: I am here, Mindfang, because if I am anywhere else existential uncertainty shall render me useless.  
AG: ::::/ Lalonde, un8ar your door.  
TT: I don’t believe I will.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering acquiredGoods [AG] --

\--

[Dialoguelog]

MINDFANG: Lalonde!  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG: Rose????????  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG: Look, I just want you to know that trolls understand your sort of loneliness 8etter than you think!  
MINDFANG: Our romance is half-based on pity, you know.  
MINDFANG: Pity is feeling sorry for someone!  
MINDFANG: Mostly 8ecause they’re more of a mess than you are ::::|. In a reeeeeeeeally path8tic way, instead of the way that m8kes you want to slap them.  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG: Lalonde, are you even in there?  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG: Fine, wh8tever! You can find your weird human moirail su8stitutes on your own!  
MINDFANG: Not like having a 8lue8lood would have opened any new avenues of inquiry for you!!!!!!!!  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG: Or that I know this legislacer8or that could have helped!  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG: Here’s a culture tip, Lalonde: Don’t lead someone on with a feelings jam if you can’t handle the pity that comes with it!!!!!!!!  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG: Wh8t8v8r.  
DOOR:  
MINDFANG:   
DOOR: creeeeeak.  
ROSE: I thought I advised you to oil those hinges, although I appreciate the added situational drama.  
MINDFANG: Shut it, Lalonde ::::].


End file.
